Friday, January 08, 2010

Breaking News: Jason Bourne Loses Basketball Game

It may very well be the story of the decade, better yet the story of the century. Numerous reports indicate that Jason Bourne, the ass-kicking special agent from the Bourne trilogy, lost a pick up basketball game in Miami, Florida Thursday afternoon.

Eye witness Louie Reese stats that Bourne challenged Miami resident Jeff Wittzelberg to a pick up game at the Sapphire Beach Courts.

"Bourne walked on the court and looked discouraged that all the baskets were taken up. To win the court he challenged the worst athlete on the court - Jeff Wittzelberg."

As Reese describes Wittzelberg was a balding man of 40 years old with a prominent gut and an embarrassing display of back hair. He height was a pathetic 5'4".

"For some reason Wittzelberg took up Bourne's challenge. It was silly no doubt, but maybe the chubby, bald, hideous man saw something."

And saw something he did.

In a game to ten by ones Wittzelberg quickly got jumped on 4-0, but the short, stocky bald man made his move.

"The left baseline, that's what Bourne's weakness was and Wittzelberg exploited it."

As Reese details, the game got really heated when the score was tied at eight a piece. After a missed shot Bourne claimed he was fouled, Wittzelberg took the rebound in for a layup to go up 9-8. For the game winning point the Wittomeister hit a leaning one hander by the right baseline to pull off the 10-8 victory.

"It was magical," Reese stated. "I wept a bit."

Despite the remarkable feat, Bourne insisted the Wittomeister stepped out of bounds. When other spectators sided with Wittzelberg all chaos broke loose.

"It was bad. There were about 20 of us watching the game. Once Bourne realized the audience disagreed with his call he attacked everyone."

Even now with a broken collarbone and a shattered wrist, along with a court full of weeping men and women (including Wittzelberg), as well as watching five people get beaten to death, Reese still idolizes the experience.

"To being a Detroit Lions season ticket holder to a passionate Los Angeles Clippers fan, I have seen my fair share of amazing sporting events, but today's game where the ugly man beat the special agent that takes the cake. Jeff showed us all today that it doesn't matter how many bad guys you kill, or how many times you sneak by security, at the end of the day if you can't beat a fat guy in pick up basketball you ain't squat."

Jason Bourne could not be reached for comments.

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